Monthly Archives: August 2014

The Gratitude Blockage



     For the past few weeks I have been on an emotional adventure! So, of course, as it is my style to do, I journaled my feelings and now have examined my findings.
     First of all I have to identify a detail or two…. from March 2013 to July of 2014 I was under the influence of hormone replacement therapy. While this might work out great for some people, I have come to the conclusion that it is not for me. You see,  I was having testosterone implanted into my body and that was in turn morphing me into an emotionless creature… somewhat like a man. (No offense to the men in the world) I also began to grow a beard, minor detail.  Also during this time I went through the hardest blow I’ve encountered yet. My daughter moved in with her dad for 4 months and 3 weeks, oh and 2 days. Yes I was counting! And while I am compiling details let me just say that this ‘over 40’ thing is confusing to one’s soul. On one hand it is great to feel grown up,  you know..I feel established,  like a real women.  On the other hand,  I feel like a busted can of biscuits. Someone has let the air out of my can.. The ingredients of what was once my body has lost all shape. I am soggy physically and emotionally…I need to be put in the oven to be cooked, refined, reformed but I don’t like the heat!
     I am naturally a NF or Meloncholy, if you will. I am an emotional creature, I feel things!  That is my nature.  How could it not dawn on me that I wasn’t feeling much of anything? I suppose I was happier not feeling as deep as usual. Was I turning into a man? It’s a grand possibility. 
     While I was waiting for something to happen with this medical endeavor I forgot to look for the good. Oh,  I could see the good in what was evident. While I was waiting for something big I missed a lot of small, great things. Those little things in life are the details. A Christmas tree is just a tree without the details. Don’t miss it.  If we are only grateful for the ah ha moments…. our gratitude will be blocked.
     By my calculations most of the hormones were out of my body about 3 weeks ago. That is precisely when I noticed this emotional side of me that I am no longer familiar with. I have decided that I like her. I am grateful for the way God made me! (Psalm139) I am grateful to have feelings,  to love deeply and to have an intense, overwhelming emotional response to my ‘tribe’. To my friends, family and ministry partners~ I feel deeply connected again.  I am grateful for those connections!  Honesty,  I am even grateful for the disconnects,  I’ll call them lessons.
      Thank you friends and family who love me in spite of me. Thank you for sticking it out! Thank you for finding beauty in my heap of ashes. I love you.  I mean that with every fiber of my being. I love you!  Deep!
     I bless you my precious savoir for saving me, for refining me, for loving me and seeing no fault in me. I am grateful. My gratitude is no longer blocked.

The River

The River

He took me to the river,
it was a sight to behold.
How I came to this place
is a mystery to my soul.

Beautiful trees;
every tree I had never seen.
Their size,  their shape,  their color
Still a mystery to me.

Flowers and plants, 
beautiful,  big and small.
Intense color,  vivid,  brilliant
I felt the need to be amongst them all.

And the river.
I heard it before I saw it.
The sound of a mighty gushing wind.
I could here it calling me, here is where it begins.

I  stopped  in my tracks. 
How can I take this all in?
In awe or was it bewilderment?
I do not know, my friend.

Breathtaking,  stunning, Beautiful,
My eyes could barely glimpse.
Everthing I’ve ever known came together here.
This is my beginning and my end.

Blue, lucid,  so very clear.
Water crashed upon the  rocks
Flowing hard and powerful
Going somewhere, But where? It never stops

I felt  somehow weightless,
Being carried by the wind.
Wet by the spray of the water,
Still warm by the Son.

There He stood
Gazing with intent.
He said to me “come child”
Away with Him I went.

We walked upon the water.
My safe place, my Friend.
My love,  my every emotion,
Was safe here with Him.

He allured me with His loving kindness.
He captivated me with dance.
We waltzed and laughed for hours,
Over the hills, upon the mountain we went.

He baptized me in that river.
I am forever clean from sin.
He loves me, He cherishes me.
He made me clean for Him.

He loves to run and frolic with me.
He told me so Himself.
He is with me every moment.
He is my need and my wealth.

I am free to visit the river.
That is where He lives.
He is the river of life.
It’s water He freely gives.